Friday, January 15, 2010


Just ate an entire box of Pocky. Familiar with Pocky? Labeled as “Chocolate Cream Covered Biscuit Sticks,” Pocky should be branded as “Crack-Coated Opium-laced Fun Twigs,” as their addictive quality ranks just slightly lower than nicotine Bubble Yum. Go ahead, try to eat just 300 hundred Pocky - I dare ya. And in the unlikely event you do decide to stop, you best taper off slowly to avoid catastrophic withdrawals.

A quick ingredient check on the back reveals a few potential clues to their unique, habit-forming appeal: Wheat flour, sugar, chocolate liquor, . . . ahh we pity the poor souls who are forced to drink their liquor. Then further on the list after way too many hydrogenated oils and shortenings: coffee powder! I’ve never heard of coffee powder, have you?!? Is this stuff snortable? Do I have to get off the couch and drive to score some or can I add this to my Amazon basket along with the Viagra and Pop Rocks and save on shipping? Jebus! Between the sugar, liquor, and coffee, there’s hardly any room for the polyglycerol polyricinoleate, which I assume is used as an emulsifier – at least that’s what I always use it for when baking my special biscuits for the rats that invade our attic every autumn. Sorry folks, but if you can think of a humane way of dealing with hordes of wayward rodents without yourself becoming a snack, please let me know.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, Pocky. I’ll betcha the rats would love this stuff – who wouldn’t? I can’t wait to score another box. As I write this my left leg is involuntarily twitching like the throttle handle on an outboard trawling motor with a bent prop. Sweating is undoubtedly next. Sweating is always next, not first for some reason. Yup – sweat. . .it started. Problem is I can only buy Pocky at Asian markets, and I just bought the last box at 99 Ranch! It’s made in Osaka Japan, in case I hadn’t mentioned that, by Ezaki Glico Co., LTD, the makers of Glico, Bisco, Papico, and something called Collon, which I’m going to go ahead and pray is a simple translation challenge, and not what first comes to mind. Yes, Ezaki Glico has been making fine, highly-addictive confections since 1929, the year that marks the beginning of our Great Depression. . . naw, couldn’t be. . .

Go find yourself some Pocky and watch your bank account shrink as your teeth and hair fall out faster than an irradiated meth addict. I’d love to chat more, but tremors are making it difficult to type. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the nearest Asian market awaiting the next Pocky shipment, or possibly cashing in my kids’ college fund for a one way ticket to Osaka.